This wasn't supposed to happen
Pointy stick,
Hey there.
I've not been avoiding you, I never seem to have time to send anyone a proper e-mail even though all my time is free..... slightly non-sensical. I'm finding everything strange. Last year I slept all day,was tired all the time, paranoid of everything and my quality of life was pretty much zero. I still had a few friends but couldn't make any new ones and was terrified of everyone. I felt worthless and there was no point to anything.The days were so long and boring, I'd pray for it all to end so I could go back to sleep. I occasionally dreamed of a time when I would never wake and be concious again, forced by my own time. One of my friends made me promise that I would never do it and so I remained.... I am glad.
Now?
I'm less tired and I sleep less but I'm all over the place. Sometimes I believe in myself..... that I can do anything and nothing can stop me on my way. I'm hyper and i'll chew peoples ears off. I can make anyone like me and want to be my friend. I can make people think I'm anything I want them to think and I act in different ways around different people.............I use the word act but it is all me, genuine.....It's the way I really feel and it changes all the time.....I'm scatty like this e-mail and my emotions/opinions are constantly fluctuating. I'll enjoy to make someone hate me or hold a certain opinion of me. Maybe i'm complicated........maybe other people are too simple. If I wanted to I could handle people. I have an intelligent, sinister side to me which could be very dangerous. I choose not to absue it and make my life brutally honest.
I am honest with people (Except jobs) and that leaves me open to attack and hurt but I don't care.I hate lies, the truth is beautiful but people find it hard to take.If you say something that isn't a run of the mill/status quo comment you are attacked and singled out by the majority. The stupid majority. They hold opinions on important matters that they actually know nothing about. The way the Government works for example...their general view of the world. They're either stupid or afraid of the truth. They're brain washed and conditioned by television, schools, their parents and by society. I KNOW this country is a shit hole... that we're slaves to a Government that claims to serve us, saying we are their masters. It sure doesn't feel that way to me. There's something in the bible saying that when the servant becomes the master it is the devils work. We are slaves. You're expected to be a slave to a life you never even chose to subscribe to. Slaves to our jobs, mortgage, money, debt. I didn't ask to be born, I didn't ask to be made a citizen, oh, sorry, subject of this country. We live in a "demoracy"... so where was my choice? On that wonderful day, that big day when your national insurance card comes and you get your nice little number. It's a proud day, isn't it? Makes you feel part of something. That's our employee number, the number a master gives to his property. We are owned by the Government whose actions are dictated by banks and corporations whose only interest is....and this is tough.... oh yeah! Money, not people. is that why everything is so fucked up, possibly, do you think? If you go along, leading a boring existence that is expected of you then they leave you alone. If you swallow and believe their "education" play by their rules then you will be rewarded.
Rewarded by being left with your "freedom" to exist in this country. Free to be robbed of the precious minutes and hours that make up your life, possibly you're only life. Free to be raped of the majority of your hard earnt cash via taxes, stealth taxes and charges that you just lay down and accept. You're a model, upstanding citizen because you've never had a parking ticket...you pay your taxes on time and you've held the same job for 50 years......you love your country and why not?
Britain is great!
Just think of all that history that they teach you about our great country. My first memories of history are the battle of hastings, world war one and world war two. You may wonder why they would do this? It's because they want you from an early age to accept that war is NORMAL and not to question it. Oh look, we've had wars for thousands of years, it's just what people do, accept it.
But,What else can we do?
we could make guns a child's toy so they can go around pretending to shoot each other. children aren't impressionable, they won't think guns are cool or right. Let's make children want to be policemen and army men. What a noble occupation. Those fucking KNOB head parents on the news, blubbering that their child got killed in a war.
Hello?
Hello?
What did you think was going to happen to them when they joined the army?! It's not exactly the most risk free of occupations.
oh, but weren't they brave?
They ply their trade by only fighting against opponents with vastly inferior, outdated weapons whilst they hide behind their technologically superior, armoured vehicles and kill people from mind boggling distances. They move a joystick and press a button like a computer game. That's how they end lives. They invade a country and terrorise its citizens destroying civilian buildings, services and people. They protect the important things, such as the oil wells and leave everyone else to fend for themselves in an inferno. That doesn't sound brave at all....in fact it sounds like cowardice. They fought for no cause. They have no honour.
None of you died for me
None of you have protected anybody
None of you died in my name so I could prosper
None of you died for this fucking country.
You're only cause is to pursue the increase of numbers on a computer screen. A screen dislpaying various peoples cash hoardes. A screen displaying money that doesn't really exist. You died so people who have so much money that they could never possibly spend it...have...more money. It's all good though. It's not like there are people in the world who have no money or anything. Our leaders are good like that. Nice and fair. It's not like people would do anything for money.
You're a corporate army motivated by land, power and control. Not by ethics, morals or by doing the right thing. You died because you were tricked, tricked by a Government that promises to care for you and only use you when completely necessary. As soon as you join they shout and berrate you. Why? So that you obey orders without questioning. If Tony Blair or George Bush declared martial law would you slay your "own" people in the streets........probably yes and without battering an eyelid. I'm not saying the army would want to, but a convenient excuse would be raised to justify it. Terrorism, anarchy, the collapse of society! The people you were employed to protect.
When the media put your family on the television it's because pulling at the emotion strings sells. They don't care about you or me
No, I'm sorry, I was wrong before. Had a little rant and now my argument has come unstuck. We ARE the masters of the Government and they do what we tell them. When 2,000,000 people march to the capital stating they are against an illegal war, didn't they listen? I mean, they're are servants, I know that. It's not like they should ask us if they are going to declare war. A war that causes unimaginable damage to millions of people, takes billions of pounds of our hard earnt taxes away from us. We don't need that money for this country, we're so developed and all.
No, it makes sense to call a general election for a one party state and give everyone a vote. That's an important vote and it could really change this country.............it affects people's lives. All those differences between the parties. If we'd have just taken more care last time and voted in the conservatives then everything would be drastically different. Education would be degrading, the NHS "failing" and we would have gone to war with Iraq...............the LIberal democrats would ahve done all of the above, except for different reasons.
It's important to have a vote for such monumentous decisions. A war though? Nah, fuck it. No one cares about that. Too minor an issue ....they wouldn't be bothered about that....would they...nah....we'll make that decision for us. That's why they employ us. Wouldn't want to piss them off though so we'd better not start fucking with the really important thigns in life....like..... fox hunting. That's the kind of shit that could cause a revolution and a storming of parliament. The British people are passionate.
God, we're such polite, caring, upstanding, well to do lot. We know what's right and we're not savage at all.
Not like all those savages who live in other countries.
They're so lazy that they can't be arsed to put their designer clothes on or do their make up properly.They don't even bother waft the flies away from their faces when the cameras are on them, how embarrassing. Actually, the more I think about it the more I hate them because they never smile or horse around and entertain me by talking shit and that's what I expect from my television "entertainment".They're lazy, stupid farmers and that's why they have no food....I think....I think that's what causes it..... but I can't be arsed to find out why. It's nothing to do with me anyway, we give them so much aid. All that lovely, no strings attached aid......
Idiots! I bet they don't even know what WAP is!
How un-Kewl.
Why don't they just sort themselves out instead of taking up thirty seconds of our news coverage with all their silly little problems? So self absorbed, there's someone here trying to prevent me from gallavanting around the country with my inbred, genetically unsound, toff mates, tooting on my horn and letting my pack of vicious dogs tear another animal to shreds. That's what really gets my blood boiling.
Hate the Government?
Hate this country?
Feel powerless to change it and so go along because everyone else goes along with it. Nobody else could feel this same way? Could they? Anyway, I have a job and so I'll accept it and let someone else deal with it.
You accept it because you're tired.
You're tired because you work at least 5 days a week.
You spend most of your life with colleagues you had no say in picking and who probably make you feel dead inside. When you get home you're awake but your mind is tired and you are hungry. The easiest thing is to turn on the television because you don't have to think and it tells you what to think. You've had a hard day and your brain can't handle anything else. Why is all the really good programmes on really late when peoplle who have to work are in bed? Why is all the crappy soaps, reality TV shows, celebrity wrestling on at prime time. Why would the Government want us to be stupid? They'd never take the piss out of us.
When the weekend comes you're so fucked fof with it all that all you wanna do is get pissed. And do all those annoying, crappy jobs you never had enough time to do during the week. Shopping, housework. You don't need to have fun because there's no time and you can't change that.
... we're not developed..... look at the people you see in the street, listen to what they say and what they think. It's pretty fucking scary and I'm not talking about all the fear induced CRIME and TERRORISM. We're a stupid country, the majority of us are brain dead louts who worship lager, soaps and porn. Our cities are shit holes....look at our European neighbours. Ever go abroad, look at the buildings, the city designs, the attitude of the people and think.....just think.......... We have a terrible reputation around the world for violence, ignorance and being ugly. Britain is shit, British is shit. We all secretly know it.
St. George's day? Anyone
St. who?
When?
I only celebrate St. Patrick's day and guinness even though I think they are all potato eating thickos.
To our credit, we're not American. Those patriotic, flag flucking, national anthem singing peeps.
The only thing that unites us is when England play football. Those great days, Does anyone else sense a horrifyingly, tense aurora...a strange, unwholesome atmosphere on the day of an England match. The British attitude is amazing though, I think anyway. We expect that we deserve to be the best footballing nation in the world, even though we're not good....we do claim to have invented it though.... Right, so if we win a competition people would say:
"About fucking time"
If we lose they say
"I fucking knew it."
Then they go round destroying their towns and cities, twatting their fellow countrymen because they feel for England so much.
When I feel all powerful everything goes my way to the point it feels like someone has planned it, or written some film script for me. I'm sure some of the incidents that happen to me on a regular basis do not happen to most people and they could never even imagine it. Weird characters approach me in the street and want to be my friend. My life seems to be leading somewhere, I can't put my finger on it. I know I need to act in some way.....am I looking for a sign......would I even pick up on it. My days just disappear, I seem really busy but it feels like i've achieved nothing and there's so much to do. Sometimes I'm really confident and I can handle all situations that are thrown at me to the point of people perceiving it as arrogance. I place myself in situations so I can get myself out: it's as if there's a part of me that's egging me on to prove myself, that I can do things. Who am I trying to prove it too and why? There's always something nagging at my brain and I can never relax, I'm always on edge. I don't know the meaning of the word satisfied and after last week I realise I've not experienced the emotion of being happy for 2 years. I have no point of references regarding anything.....I can't remember how I felt last year, thankfully, or if I'm getting better or worse.
I don't know my own mind or what I feel. Am I alone? Am I ill? Am I in someway on a lower rung to a realisation or enlightenment? How can anyone ever truly understand another person?
It seems one of the only thing that can make me approach a state of happy is to help other people.....how long will that be enough for.I get bored of things so quickly....yet I'm lazy....why don't I realise my potential. Why don't most people..........
Ignorance is bliss. If I was like the people I talk about I would be less stressed and possibly happier. Is this a curse or a blessing to know all this and feel so trapped? Possibly. That's what they want me to feel. I'm not alone, I'm in a minority. Where are my allies?
Sometimes I cry and I don't know why.
Sometimes being in a room with other people makes me afraid.
What is it you think you see in my eyes?
Sometimes I'll stare at you with an uncomfortable intensity and you may wish you were strong like you think I am.
Sometimes I'll stare a blank, forlorn gaze and you may think I have debilitating troubles.
Sometimes I'll meet a stranger and bare my soul.
When I get close to a person I freeze up and can't let them get too close.
Sometimes I think I want people to like me
If people do like me I question why and get upset.
Sometimes I feel worthless.
Sometimes I feel ten times you.
Sometimes I feel so low and agitated there is nothing in the world that will make it ok. I want to run for a long time.
Sometimes I have to stop myself form doing things that come into my head
I could be the first person on mars and I wouldn't give a shit. I wouldn't feel happy or special.
If you pissed me off sufficiently I would show you pain you'd probably never imagined and then killl you with no qualms, no feeling, no pangs of guilt or upset. Why? Because you deserved it?
I have many feelings and would consider myself sensitive. Maybe I follow my own moral code and guide to life to a certain extent.
My eyes and brain hurt. My brain hurts because i'm exercising it and that pleases me. I'm slow. I think I've been here for 2 hours now. I won't check what I have written for mistakes, coherency or anything. I hadn't even planned to write any of this. I was writing asn e-mail to a friend and all of this came from nowhere. If I actually spent some time with these ideas, to develop them I might have something interesting to say...... if...
This all seems hopeless. It isn't. The people have the power. All of this could change...we ened to realise and think first. The people who go on Marchs also need to think. There were 2,000,000 of us, we could have brought that city to a standstill for days and they woudl ahve given in. Do you not see? All your little planned marchs with the exact time and then you all go on the coach home feeling good about yourselves. Do I even trust those anti-war people, begging you not to cause trouble. How will anything change then? Whose side are you on? Or are your glorious leaders going to get arrested if it kicks off.
So?
I think this is my first proper rant. That Bmx one pales in comparison. Still need to finish that....this is more important. I'm going to have a break now before I start writing about what I actually planned to come on here and write about after I had sent the quick E-mail :-)
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This lack of access to the internet makes me sad. I really wish I had posted about this topic for every day that it happened. The days have passed, as have the feelings though they have morphed as time goes on and I can only comment on how I feel about it right now. Obviously everything has changed, as it does every day, and my memory has faded and my words will not do justice to the way that I feel/felt about this girl.............no...........it makes me too sad and although I'm on a nice flow I'd rather have a clearer, fresher head to begin.
It's 4:30 am. I might only allow myself four hours sleep every day for a week and see what happens to me.
Feel drained, low.......................................if I crawl in my bed and lie there I may go to sleep and hopefully I won't dream those horrible dreams.
Hey there.
I've not been avoiding you, I never seem to have time to send anyone a proper e-mail even though all my time is free..... slightly non-sensical. I'm finding everything strange. Last year I slept all day,was tired all the time, paranoid of everything and my quality of life was pretty much zero. I still had a few friends but couldn't make any new ones and was terrified of everyone. I felt worthless and there was no point to anything.The days were so long and boring, I'd pray for it all to end so I could go back to sleep. I occasionally dreamed of a time when I would never wake and be concious again, forced by my own time. One of my friends made me promise that I would never do it and so I remained.... I am glad.
Now?
I'm less tired and I sleep less but I'm all over the place. Sometimes I believe in myself..... that I can do anything and nothing can stop me on my way. I'm hyper and i'll chew peoples ears off. I can make anyone like me and want to be my friend. I can make people think I'm anything I want them to think and I act in different ways around different people.............I use the word act but it is all me, genuine.....It's the way I really feel and it changes all the time.....I'm scatty like this e-mail and my emotions/opinions are constantly fluctuating. I'll enjoy to make someone hate me or hold a certain opinion of me. Maybe i'm complicated........maybe other people are too simple. If I wanted to I could handle people. I have an intelligent, sinister side to me which could be very dangerous. I choose not to absue it and make my life brutally honest.
I am honest with people (Except jobs) and that leaves me open to attack and hurt but I don't care.I hate lies, the truth is beautiful but people find it hard to take.If you say something that isn't a run of the mill/status quo comment you are attacked and singled out by the majority. The stupid majority. They hold opinions on important matters that they actually know nothing about. The way the Government works for example...their general view of the world. They're either stupid or afraid of the truth. They're brain washed and conditioned by television, schools, their parents and by society. I KNOW this country is a shit hole... that we're slaves to a Government that claims to serve us, saying we are their masters. It sure doesn't feel that way to me. There's something in the bible saying that when the servant becomes the master it is the devils work. We are slaves. You're expected to be a slave to a life you never even chose to subscribe to. Slaves to our jobs, mortgage, money, debt. I didn't ask to be born, I didn't ask to be made a citizen, oh, sorry, subject of this country. We live in a "demoracy"... so where was my choice? On that wonderful day, that big day when your national insurance card comes and you get your nice little number. It's a proud day, isn't it? Makes you feel part of something. That's our employee number, the number a master gives to his property. We are owned by the Government whose actions are dictated by banks and corporations whose only interest is....and this is tough.... oh yeah! Money, not people. is that why everything is so fucked up, possibly, do you think? If you go along, leading a boring existence that is expected of you then they leave you alone. If you swallow and believe their "education" play by their rules then you will be rewarded.
Rewarded by being left with your "freedom" to exist in this country. Free to be robbed of the precious minutes and hours that make up your life, possibly you're only life. Free to be raped of the majority of your hard earnt cash via taxes, stealth taxes and charges that you just lay down and accept. You're a model, upstanding citizen because you've never had a parking ticket...you pay your taxes on time and you've held the same job for 50 years......you love your country and why not?
Britain is great!
Just think of all that history that they teach you about our great country. My first memories of history are the battle of hastings, world war one and world war two. You may wonder why they would do this? It's because they want you from an early age to accept that war is NORMAL and not to question it. Oh look, we've had wars for thousands of years, it's just what people do, accept it.
But,What else can we do?
we could make guns a child's toy so they can go around pretending to shoot each other. children aren't impressionable, they won't think guns are cool or right. Let's make children want to be policemen and army men. What a noble occupation. Those fucking KNOB head parents on the news, blubbering that their child got killed in a war.
Hello?
Hello?
What did you think was going to happen to them when they joined the army?! It's not exactly the most risk free of occupations.
oh, but weren't they brave?
They ply their trade by only fighting against opponents with vastly inferior, outdated weapons whilst they hide behind their technologically superior, armoured vehicles and kill people from mind boggling distances. They move a joystick and press a button like a computer game. That's how they end lives. They invade a country and terrorise its citizens destroying civilian buildings, services and people. They protect the important things, such as the oil wells and leave everyone else to fend for themselves in an inferno. That doesn't sound brave at all....in fact it sounds like cowardice. They fought for no cause. They have no honour.
None of you died for me
None of you have protected anybody
None of you died in my name so I could prosper
None of you died for this fucking country.
You're only cause is to pursue the increase of numbers on a computer screen. A screen dislpaying various peoples cash hoardes. A screen displaying money that doesn't really exist. You died so people who have so much money that they could never possibly spend it...have...more money. It's all good though. It's not like there are people in the world who have no money or anything. Our leaders are good like that. Nice and fair. It's not like people would do anything for money.
You're a corporate army motivated by land, power and control. Not by ethics, morals or by doing the right thing. You died because you were tricked, tricked by a Government that promises to care for you and only use you when completely necessary. As soon as you join they shout and berrate you. Why? So that you obey orders without questioning. If Tony Blair or George Bush declared martial law would you slay your "own" people in the streets........probably yes and without battering an eyelid. I'm not saying the army would want to, but a convenient excuse would be raised to justify it. Terrorism, anarchy, the collapse of society! The people you were employed to protect.
When the media put your family on the television it's because pulling at the emotion strings sells. They don't care about you or me
No, I'm sorry, I was wrong before. Had a little rant and now my argument has come unstuck. We ARE the masters of the Government and they do what we tell them. When 2,000,000 people march to the capital stating they are against an illegal war, didn't they listen? I mean, they're are servants, I know that. It's not like they should ask us if they are going to declare war. A war that causes unimaginable damage to millions of people, takes billions of pounds of our hard earnt taxes away from us. We don't need that money for this country, we're so developed and all.
No, it makes sense to call a general election for a one party state and give everyone a vote. That's an important vote and it could really change this country.............it affects people's lives. All those differences between the parties. If we'd have just taken more care last time and voted in the conservatives then everything would be drastically different. Education would be degrading, the NHS "failing" and we would have gone to war with Iraq...............the LIberal democrats would ahve done all of the above, except for different reasons.
It's important to have a vote for such monumentous decisions. A war though? Nah, fuck it. No one cares about that. Too minor an issue ....they wouldn't be bothered about that....would they...nah....we'll make that decision for us. That's why they employ us. Wouldn't want to piss them off though so we'd better not start fucking with the really important thigns in life....like..... fox hunting. That's the kind of shit that could cause a revolution and a storming of parliament. The British people are passionate.
God, we're such polite, caring, upstanding, well to do lot. We know what's right and we're not savage at all.
Not like all those savages who live in other countries.
They're so lazy that they can't be arsed to put their designer clothes on or do their make up properly.They don't even bother waft the flies away from their faces when the cameras are on them, how embarrassing. Actually, the more I think about it the more I hate them because they never smile or horse around and entertain me by talking shit and that's what I expect from my television "entertainment".They're lazy, stupid farmers and that's why they have no food....I think....I think that's what causes it..... but I can't be arsed to find out why. It's nothing to do with me anyway, we give them so much aid. All that lovely, no strings attached aid......
Idiots! I bet they don't even know what WAP is!
How un-Kewl.
Why don't they just sort themselves out instead of taking up thirty seconds of our news coverage with all their silly little problems? So self absorbed, there's someone here trying to prevent me from gallavanting around the country with my inbred, genetically unsound, toff mates, tooting on my horn and letting my pack of vicious dogs tear another animal to shreds. That's what really gets my blood boiling.
Hate the Government?
Hate this country?
Feel powerless to change it and so go along because everyone else goes along with it. Nobody else could feel this same way? Could they? Anyway, I have a job and so I'll accept it and let someone else deal with it.
You accept it because you're tired.
You're tired because you work at least 5 days a week.
You spend most of your life with colleagues you had no say in picking and who probably make you feel dead inside. When you get home you're awake but your mind is tired and you are hungry. The easiest thing is to turn on the television because you don't have to think and it tells you what to think. You've had a hard day and your brain can't handle anything else. Why is all the really good programmes on really late when peoplle who have to work are in bed? Why is all the crappy soaps, reality TV shows, celebrity wrestling on at prime time. Why would the Government want us to be stupid? They'd never take the piss out of us.
When the weekend comes you're so fucked fof with it all that all you wanna do is get pissed. And do all those annoying, crappy jobs you never had enough time to do during the week. Shopping, housework. You don't need to have fun because there's no time and you can't change that.
... we're not developed..... look at the people you see in the street, listen to what they say and what they think. It's pretty fucking scary and I'm not talking about all the fear induced CRIME and TERRORISM. We're a stupid country, the majority of us are brain dead louts who worship lager, soaps and porn. Our cities are shit holes....look at our European neighbours. Ever go abroad, look at the buildings, the city designs, the attitude of the people and think.....just think.......... We have a terrible reputation around the world for violence, ignorance and being ugly. Britain is shit, British is shit. We all secretly know it.
St. George's day? Anyone
St. who?
When?
I only celebrate St. Patrick's day and guinness even though I think they are all potato eating thickos.
To our credit, we're not American. Those patriotic, flag flucking, national anthem singing peeps.
The only thing that unites us is when England play football. Those great days, Does anyone else sense a horrifyingly, tense aurora...a strange, unwholesome atmosphere on the day of an England match. The British attitude is amazing though, I think anyway. We expect that we deserve to be the best footballing nation in the world, even though we're not good....we do claim to have invented it though.... Right, so if we win a competition people would say:
"About fucking time"
If we lose they say
"I fucking knew it."
Then they go round destroying their towns and cities, twatting their fellow countrymen because they feel for England so much.
When I feel all powerful everything goes my way to the point it feels like someone has planned it, or written some film script for me. I'm sure some of the incidents that happen to me on a regular basis do not happen to most people and they could never even imagine it. Weird characters approach me in the street and want to be my friend. My life seems to be leading somewhere, I can't put my finger on it. I know I need to act in some way.....am I looking for a sign......would I even pick up on it. My days just disappear, I seem really busy but it feels like i've achieved nothing and there's so much to do. Sometimes I'm really confident and I can handle all situations that are thrown at me to the point of people perceiving it as arrogance. I place myself in situations so I can get myself out: it's as if there's a part of me that's egging me on to prove myself, that I can do things. Who am I trying to prove it too and why? There's always something nagging at my brain and I can never relax, I'm always on edge. I don't know the meaning of the word satisfied and after last week I realise I've not experienced the emotion of being happy for 2 years. I have no point of references regarding anything.....I can't remember how I felt last year, thankfully, or if I'm getting better or worse.
I don't know my own mind or what I feel. Am I alone? Am I ill? Am I in someway on a lower rung to a realisation or enlightenment? How can anyone ever truly understand another person?
It seems one of the only thing that can make me approach a state of happy is to help other people.....how long will that be enough for.I get bored of things so quickly....yet I'm lazy....why don't I realise my potential. Why don't most people..........
Ignorance is bliss. If I was like the people I talk about I would be less stressed and possibly happier. Is this a curse or a blessing to know all this and feel so trapped? Possibly. That's what they want me to feel. I'm not alone, I'm in a minority. Where are my allies?
Sometimes I cry and I don't know why.
Sometimes being in a room with other people makes me afraid.
What is it you think you see in my eyes?
Sometimes I'll stare at you with an uncomfortable intensity and you may wish you were strong like you think I am.
Sometimes I'll stare a blank, forlorn gaze and you may think I have debilitating troubles.
Sometimes I'll meet a stranger and bare my soul.
When I get close to a person I freeze up and can't let them get too close.
Sometimes I think I want people to like me
If people do like me I question why and get upset.
Sometimes I feel worthless.
Sometimes I feel ten times you.
Sometimes I feel so low and agitated there is nothing in the world that will make it ok. I want to run for a long time.
Sometimes I have to stop myself form doing things that come into my head
I could be the first person on mars and I wouldn't give a shit. I wouldn't feel happy or special.
If you pissed me off sufficiently I would show you pain you'd probably never imagined and then killl you with no qualms, no feeling, no pangs of guilt or upset. Why? Because you deserved it?
I have many feelings and would consider myself sensitive. Maybe I follow my own moral code and guide to life to a certain extent.
My eyes and brain hurt. My brain hurts because i'm exercising it and that pleases me. I'm slow. I think I've been here for 2 hours now. I won't check what I have written for mistakes, coherency or anything. I hadn't even planned to write any of this. I was writing asn e-mail to a friend and all of this came from nowhere. If I actually spent some time with these ideas, to develop them I might have something interesting to say...... if...
This all seems hopeless. It isn't. The people have the power. All of this could change...we ened to realise and think first. The people who go on Marchs also need to think. There were 2,000,000 of us, we could have brought that city to a standstill for days and they woudl ahve given in. Do you not see? All your little planned marchs with the exact time and then you all go on the coach home feeling good about yourselves. Do I even trust those anti-war people, begging you not to cause trouble. How will anything change then? Whose side are you on? Or are your glorious leaders going to get arrested if it kicks off.
So?
I think this is my first proper rant. That Bmx one pales in comparison. Still need to finish that....this is more important. I'm going to have a break now before I start writing about what I actually planned to come on here and write about after I had sent the quick E-mail :-)
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This lack of access to the internet makes me sad. I really wish I had posted about this topic for every day that it happened. The days have passed, as have the feelings though they have morphed as time goes on and I can only comment on how I feel about it right now. Obviously everything has changed, as it does every day, and my memory has faded and my words will not do justice to the way that I feel/felt about this girl.............no...........it makes me too sad and although I'm on a nice flow I'd rather have a clearer, fresher head to begin.
It's 4:30 am. I might only allow myself four hours sleep every day for a week and see what happens to me.
Feel drained, low.......................................if I crawl in my bed and lie there I may go to sleep and hopefully I won't dream those horrible dreams.
posted by Swedophilia at 4:26 AM
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